Ani – July 2, 2016, happiest day of our lives. A year of careful planning and lots of prayer had brought us to that joyous day. Everything, from the beautiful ceremony, to the fun and energetic reception, was perfect. We were so blessed to be surrounded by our family and friends, we could not have asked for a better day.
Our honeymoon was just as amazing as our wedding day. From Miami, to the Keys, to the grand finale in Orlando, visiting Disney and Universal Studios. During our three years of dating, we were always so busy and had very little time to spend together. It was so nice to get away and spend 11 days alone together.
Before getting married, we of course discussed the topic of having kids and raising a family. We were open to having children whenever God blessed us with them, however we didn’t expect anything right away. What a surprise it was during our honeymoon to discover that there was a good chance we were pregnant. We were not certain, but there were many signs pointing us to that conclusion. Adam was ready to purchase a pregnancy test before we even came home from the honeymoon, however I was stubborn and thought we should wait until we got home. I had always planned on surprising Adam with a positive pregnancy test one day and figured I could still do that when we got home (even though I think he was more convinced than I was that I was pregnant).
Checking into our first hotel, there was a darling receptionist with a beautiful name: Marisol. From that point on, the running joke (from Adam) was to rub my stomach and exclaim “Marisol!” even before there were signs of me being pregnant. We both agreed we really liked the name (we looked up the meaning and loved that it was a version of Mary, both of our mom’s name) and that we would use it some day for our future daughter.
We kept the name to ourselves, even after discovering we truly were pregnant and later shared the news with our families. We wanted to be surprised regarding the gender and wanted to surprise everyone else with the names that we had picked out. Marisol was the only name that we had agreed upon.
The joy that we experienced on our wedding day overflowed into our honeymoon and continued into our return home. We were on cloud 9, life could not be any better and we could not be any more blessed.
Adam – One week after returning from the honeymoon, I had to leave my bride and growing baby for two weeks. I was leading a group from our church on a pilgrimage to Poland for World Youth Day. While my mind was on work and travel, my heart and prayer was dedicated towards my new life as a husband and now as a father. I prayed for the grace to be a good dad and for the safety of our little one. “Happy, healthy, & holy” was my daily prayer for Marisol. On our last day in the mountains, I picked up a stuffed lamb as a keepsake to bring home for the baby.
On Sunday August 7th, we announced our exciting news to our parents and siblings. We carefully planned how to reveal the news right down to catching their reactions on a Youtube worthy video. The reactions were priceless.
Ani – August 9th, two days after sharing the joyous news with our families. I went to the gym just like any other Tuesday morning. Nothing out of the ordinary, until I went to the bathroom after my workout. Nothing could have prepared me for that moment or the events that followed.
When I finally got home, I became very upset to find that Adam was not home. When I got ahold of him, I could not form words. Just uncontrollable tears. Tears that I have never cried before in my life. He assured me he was on his way home and coming as quickly as he could. I finally made my way into the house and after taking a quick shower, collapsed on the couch and cried some more. When Adam got home, he came and held me. We sat there and sobbed together as reality set in, our baby was gone. I finally composed myself after a while and asked him to call the doctor. They told us our best bet was to just go the ER. We were slightly optimistic after being told that sometimes severe bleeding can happen and it doesn’t always mean a miscarriage. A few tests later, our worst fears were confirmed. Marisol was gone.
There are no words to describe the feeling of losing a child. I was approximately 5-6 weeks along. While many have tried to assure me “at least I wasn’t further along,” a loss is a loss, and I will never get to meet my baby in this lifetime. I will never know if Marisol was really a girl. I will never get to see her walk or talk, or throw her a first birthday party. I won’t know her likes and dislikes, who she will become, will she be a Zumba girl like her mom? That is an inconsolable pain that I will have to live with for the rest of my life.
I am truly grateful for the love and support of our family and friends who shared in our grief and took care of us in the days following. Most of all, I am so thankful to my amazing husband, who was just as heartbroken as I was, but remained strong through it all so he could take care of me. We experienced a lot in less than two months of marriage. Even though this was the most difficult thing I have ever had to experience in my 26 years of life, I am thankful for the bond it created in Adam and I, and for how much it strengthened our marriage so early on. I got to really see his heart not just for me, but for our baby, a love that is so beautiful, pure, and strong. I would never choose to go through this, and I truly hate that I did, however I could not ask for a better man to walk through this with.
Here we are, two months later, the pain is still present, and the tears still fall. It is really hard for me to make sense of how I am feeling most days. I have never experienced so much anger towards God, and I am not sure what to do with that. I know He can take it, and one day He will heal my heart and soften it again. Until then, I have an incredible man by my side who I know is praying for me alongside family and friends. This is not something we will ever get over, we will carry this for the rest of our lives. But we have each other and the hope and promise that we will meet Marisol someday. Until then, we have an angel watching over us.
Adam – Learning more about miscarriages, I’ve come to find that it’s a common experience, with 1 out of 4 pregnancies ending this way. I know friends of ours that have walked this path too, some experiencing it multiple times. It has been a part of the healing process to talk about it with them. It helps to know we are not alone in it. Sisters Hospital also has a great support system and a memorial in honor of all of the babies who were lost. Another antidote for anger has been a beautiful lesson in spiritual direction on Job. Perhaps a conversation for another time…
I wish our reveal to you was different. While so much hope was built and lost we know that God “walks through the mess” with us. This is still a message of hope. We hope that our experience can help others as well. We’re available to talk and walk with you too should you find yourself in this mess.
Adam & Ani